The Secret Life of the American Vampire
by PandoraBear
Summary: Edward has always had it hard. He can't legally drink,smoke,or even be with the love of his life. Will a night of true partying change how everyone sees childish Eddie? Angst-filled Edward will have to do a lot of growing up if he wants to change.R&R:
1. Chapter 1:WTF

I do not own the characters nor the plot from Twilight. But I sure as hell wish I did.

_I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare_  
_I'm just a kid, I know that it's not fair_  
_Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is_  
_Having more fun than me_  
_Tonight..._

-I'm Just A Kid, Simple Plan

**The Secret Life of the American Vampire**

**Chapter 1**

I opened my groggy eyes to see a rat nibbling on the collar of my coat. I shot upward and let a girly shriek escape my lips as the gray pest scurried away. A headache pounded the innermost part of my skull. I quickly ran my hands over my jacket, as if to erase the presence of the filthy creature. Placing my hand on a nearby dumpster to help prop myself up, a realization struck me.

Was I sleeping? I thought to myself. Vampires can't sleep. And why am I in an alley? A puzzled look crossed my face. Where am I?

I listened for the sound of the ever-present, random thoughts that always raced across my brain. They mostly consisted of the mindless babbling of people walking around the street. But one caught my attention. I peered down the alley to see a group of tourists, decked in fanny packs and cameras hanging from their necks, jumping excitedly.

_Next stop, Times Square!_

I noticed the I love NY t-shirts they were all wearing.

I was in New York City.

One Day Earlier `

" Edward, now let's turn that frown upside-down."

I let my unhappy mouth settle into a deeper frown and crossed my arms over my chest. "But I never get to go anywhere fun!"

Bella sighed. "We went over this Edward. If we want to be like the humans, then we have to live by their rules."

"But I have a fake ID!" I protested. "I can get in easily."

"No, Edward." Carlisle added. "This family has morals. We don't drink human blood. We don't leave the toilet seat up, and we certainly don't allow underage teens sneak into nightclubs, no matter how stupid the bouncer is."

I allowed his thoughts to swarm into mine, seeing the chubby bouncer with clown shoes and a stick in hand that he used to beat his own head with that Carlisle had imagined.

"Morals?" I replied sarcastically.

"Yes. Morals."

"Whatever. And I'm not underage. I'm 108 years old!" I countered.

Carlisle continued to maintain the peaceful, wise look that he was known for. "Edward, you are forever seventeen. That makes you underage."

Teen angst suddenly overwhelmed me. I had a strong urge to stomp my foot and throw something against the wall. Instead, I decided to act in a mature manner.

"I HATE YOU ALL. YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!" I flung myself onto the white couch, sending it skidding across the floor, and began sobbing tearlessly. "It's just not fair." I cried into my sleeve.

Esme and Bella rushed to my side. "Oh, sweetie." Esme soothed. "It's ok. You'll always be my little Eddie."

"I don't want to be little anymore!" I shouted into the pillow on the couch.

Bella placed her arm gently on mine. "Edward, you know I love you and I will do anything to keep you happy. I mean, you are my other half."

I looked up at her face, red-rimmed eyes pooling with invisible tears. "So you'll stay home with me?"

"Psh, no. I meant anything except that. I need a break from you Edward. You're just the teensiest bit demanding."

My hope shattered. " Just go then! I can have fun on my own anyway."

Esme went to wrap her arms around me, but Bella stopped her.

"He just needs space."

They quietly exited the room. Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, and Emmett said bye as they went out the front door. Carlisle and Esme soon followed . Bella stopped with her hand on the doorknob.

"Edward?" she called.

I didn't answer. I wanted her to know I was angry.

"How about I take you to Chucky Cheese tomorrow?"

My head snapped up. In half a second I had my arms wrapped around her body, jumping up and down. "Oh boy! Do you really mean it Bella?"

"Of course," she said as she unwrapped my arms from around her. She kissed me and took a step out the door.

"By the way," she added. "I got you a babysitter." She quickly ran to the garage, sensing my growing anger, and jumped in Emmett's jeep. The car quickly tore down the winding driveway, and sped away.

I stood in the doorway, with my mouth gaping. I can't go clubbing AND I have a babysitter. This is bull crap.

With Renesmee at Charlie's for the weekend, the house was empty except for me.

But that stupid babysitter is coming, I thought.

I turned around to head to my room. My quick maneuver caused my hip to knock down a vase sitting on its pedestal. With searing teen fury blinding me, it shattered on the ground, broken glass spreading across the floor, before I could catch it.

"Great!" I exclaimed. "Bella's gonna be mad at me."

That's when the smell hit me.

Only one person had that malodorous, Dorito-mixed-with-wet-dog scent.

"_Jacob_," I said through gritted teeth.

He poked his shaggy head from around the door. "Yes?" he replied with a smirk on his lips.

"_You're _my babysitter?"

"That's correct, little guy." His grin stretched from ear to ear.

I stomped my foot, causing the wood floor to splinter. " But your not even eighteen yet!"

He snorted. " Ed, you came to my birthday party three months ago."

I stared blankly at him.

"Well that doesn't matter anyway. And um, Nessie isn't here right?"

"No. She's at Charlie's." My eyes narrowed as the words left my lips. Usually Jacob was anxious to see Renesmee.

"Good," he said still standing behind the door.

I waited for him to step around it.

"Soooo…" he said awkwardly. "Could I maybe borrow some…"

"Ew." I interrupted, seeing what he was thinking. " I would never allow a filthy dog like you to wear _my _designer clothes!"

"Aw c'mon Edward. I accidentally ripped my last pair of jeans when I was changing back to human form." He stuck his bottom lip out and made puppy-dog eyes. As if pouting would win me over.

"I said no!"

"Fine." he huffed. " I guess I'll just walk around totally naked, then." With a smile on his face, he began stepping around the door.

Seeing the mental image of his bare ass sitting on my white couch sent me soaring upstairs to quickly gather clothes. Before he even got completely around the front door, I had thrown a pile of garments at his feet.

His smile deepened. "Thanks, Ed."

"No problem," I sneered, sticking my tongue out at him.

He glanced up at me as he pulled on my Armani jeans. As soon as he took them off, I was going to burn them. Or rip them into little shreds and sow them back together to form letters that spell _I hate you, Jacob._ Or maybe just burn them.

"Real mature, Edward."

My eyes narrowed. " And walking into my house naked is?"

"Yup," he smirked. My jeans came up above his ankles. What a freak. How much taller could he get?

He looked down at the hems, deciding what to do about the issue.

"Don't even think about rolling up my designer pants!" I shouted, reading his mind.

"Ok. If you insist." He turned and began walking toward the living room. I headed towards the staircase. As I placed my foot on the first step, I heard something rip.

Faster than light, I spun around. In his hands he held the lower halves of my jeans. He had torn them up to his knees to make cutoffs.

"You filthy mutt," I hissed.

"Well, I figured you could have seen it coming. At least now I can be comfortable in your smelly bloodsucker clothes."

That was the last straw. I don't buy expensive Gucci perfume to be called smelly.

Before I could calm myself, I began sprinting towards Jacob. I pounced on him, sending both of us barreling through the wall behind him. With a huge crash, the wall collapsed as we hit the wooden planks of the porch outside, leaving a gaping hole behind us.

Jake pushed me off of him, astonished. "What the hell Edward?" He brushed his chest off and turned to look at his back. "My back is going to freaking ache after this," he complained.

"UGH! Just shut _up_ Jacob! Look what you made me do! I am going to be sooo grounded."

"Whoa there," he said as he raised his hands defensively. "You need to get your hormones under control."

"Hormones?" I shouted. "HORMONES?"

He snickered.

"WHAT?" I screamed into his face.

"You still get grounded." His stupid goofy grin was once again displayed across his face.

I counted backwards from ten inside my head. If I kill him, Nessie will cry. And you know that children tears scare the crap out of you, I reminded myself.

My clenched hands slowly released. At least I had one thing to look forward to.

I turned around and began to stalk into my living room.

"Where ya goin'?" Jacob called from behind me.

"I am going to watch to best show ever invented. Ever."

He ran to catch up to me and plopped onto the couch the same second that I did. "Deadliest Warrior?"

I chuckled. " No, naïve Jacob."

"Then what?" he draped his russet arms along the back of the sofa.

"Ok one, its called deodorant. Get with the picture."

He lowered his nose to his armpit, inhaled, and shrugged.

As I turned my face towards to the flat-screen, out of the corner of my eye, I saw him gag.

I quickly changed to channel to MTV.

"And second, Jersey Shore!" I squealed excitedly.

As soon as the words left my mouth, Jacob hit the floor laughing. "You. . . Watch. . . Jersey. . .Shore?" he exclaimed in between fits of laughter.

"Shut up mutt!"

"And here I pegged you as the brooding, sensitive type." He continued laughing.

"I am brooding and sensitive. I work hard to maintain a reputation." I sniffed.

After he was done shaking with laughter, he pushed himself off the ground and walked to the TV.

"Get out of the way, I can't see Snooki," I complained.

He pressed his finger on the power button, and just like that, my reality was shattered.

"Nobody. Turns off. Jersey. Shore." The anger inside me had reached a tipping point. You can walk into my house naked, try to steal my wife, and then go for my daughter when she rejects you, but _nobody_ messes with my Jersey Shore.

I felt like a cartoon character with fumes of smoke blowing out of their ears.

"Sorry, kiddo. But Bella doesn't want you watching inappropriate shows."

"Don't call me that!" I yelled. I took the remote and threw it at his head with lightning speed. He ducked in the nick of time, causing the remote to go straight through the TV and shatter against the wall.

"You got some serious anger issues man."

"Oh_ yeah_," I countered. "Well, you got some serious douche bag issues, dog!"

I shot up from the couch and grabbed my keys in the entry hall.

"Where are you going, mister?" Jacob scolded.

"Like you care."

He shrugged. "True."

I stormed out the front door, past the humongous hole, and slammed it behind me. The wood groaned and a crack appeared down the center of it.

From inside the house I heard Jacob mutter, "I still better be getting paid."

I trudged to the garage and angrily thrust the keys into the ignition. My Volvo's engine revved as I formulated a plan in my head.

Tonight, I was going to party like it was 1999.

(And not just because that is what Snooki would do.)

_Please review! Comments are greatly appriciated:)_


	2. Chapter 2: Mascara & Petticoats

Sorry its been so long...I've been stuck on this chapter for awhile. Honestly, it's not my best. Reviews are always wanted and criticism is accepted! Seriously...i've only gotten a few reviews from a couple awesome readers :D

And here it comes, the infamous _disclaimer_! I dont own any of these characters...even though that's what i asked for for Christmas:'(

_So raise your glass if __you  
Are wrong in all the right ways  
All my underdogs  
We will never be, never be  
Anything but loud, and nitty gritty  
Dirty little freaks. . .  
_

_-Pink (Raise Your Glass)_

**The Secret Life of the American Vampire:**

**Chapter 2: Mascara & Petticoats**

I threw the car into reverse and sped down the driveway, going ninety and backwards. One, because it's super badass. Two, because I was too busy thinking to even bother shifting to drive.

Where was I going to go?

Of course I would go clubbing. But where were the best clubs located?

I had reached the end of my driveway and as the Volvo hit the asphalt, I spun the steering wheel, making the car do a 180. Soon I was speeding down the forest-enclosed road, with the sun setting behind me.

Washington wasn't exactly known for its nightlife, so I'd have to go out of state if I really wanted to party.

The farther I am from that buffoon Jacob, the better, I thought. I could still picture him laughing at me for my love of Jersey Shore. That dick.

Wait a minute. Jersey Shore… as in New Jersey.

"Gasp!" I said aloud for dramatic affect. I now had a destination. Not New Jersey, of course. Now that's just one place I would never go to, even if I was home to my Idol. Just the thought of being in that filthy place made me shudder. I didn't have enough Clorox wipes on me to get rid of the germs and STDs that were sure to be there. No, but a state much classier. New York.

New York City was home to some of the most fantastic bars ever.

"Oooo I'm so excited!" I squealed with delight as I clapped my hands together, steering with my knees.

But even with my superior, kickass driving skills, it would still take at least fifteen hours to get there.

"Darn it," I muttered. But then another brillant idea popped into my head.

Why not just take a plane? I could get on one in Seattle, and be in New York in five hours. I looked at the clock on my dashboard. It was 5:30 now. If I could catch a plane soon, I could be in New York before midnight.

"Hell. Yes."

I could already envision myself dancing on stage, wrapping my legs around a stripper pole as people threw dollar bills at me. The imaginary poof that my hair was styled into almost brought me to tears. I could be like Snooki!

A smirk appeared on my icy lips. I'll show them _morals_.

The small, adult part of me thought that this was a bad idea. That I've never had alcohol before and that it might effect me in strange ways. But the huge, angry teen in me beat the crap out of the adult bit until it shut up.

If I was going to 'get down' all night, then I would need awesome clothes. I looked down at what I was currently wearing; jeans with Dockers and a button-up shirt with a peacoat over it as usual. All designer, of course. But the garments had suffered cuts and tears throughout mine and Jacobs little ordeal earlier.

Good thing I always kept extra clothes and a vanity in my trunk. I smiled to myself. This was going to be _awesome_.

I reached the airport in about twenty minutes, driving at speeds of almost 100mph the entire time. Luckily, a flight destined for New York was leaving in 10 minutes. I hastily bought a ticket and went through security with no baggage check necessary.

As I was walking towards my gate, I noticed two teenage girls and their mothers staring at me, mouths gaping open. After hearing their inappropriate yet flattering thoughts about what they wanted to do to me, I decided to have some fun.

I quickly whipped out my comb that I always had stowed away in my coat pocket and pretended to "accidentally" drop it on the floor. Of course after it had been on a nasty, germ covered airport floor, there was no way in hell that I would ever let it touch my precious bronze locks again, but what was to come was worth it.

I placed a carefully manicured hand on my hip and with an attitude worthy of Britney Spears, I said "Oops, I did it again. I am just soooo clumsy." I slowly bent over, wiggling my plump, perfectly sculpted butt in the air, as I stooped to pick up my contaminated brush. The thoughts of all the passerbyers swarmed into my heads, all of them revolving around how attractive I was. Even the men had stopped to admire my gluts of steel.

I bent back upwards, much to the displeasure of the crowd that had gathered, and walked over to the girls. I grabbed one of their hands and placed my comb into her sweaty palm. "Keep this, as a reminder to how you'll never be as good as me," I said to her with a sincere smile. She began hyperventilating and passed out, flopping around on the ground. Foam began forming around her lips.

Neither of the mothers made an effort to help her, but one did kick her in the stomach and shout, "Get up Anna! Your embarrassing me!"

I turned to the other girl and winked at her, expecting a similar reaction. Instead she ripped off her jacket and revealed a Team Edward shirt underneath. "Take me now!" she shouted.

I looked at her and instantly regretted my pity wink. I scowled. "Ew."

"But its legal!" she cried. "Your not eighteen yet!" What a pathetic attempt to seduce a sexy vampire like myself.

"I am 108 years old thank you very much!" I screamed into her face. I grabbed the nearest suitcase and tore it in half. I tossed the shredded luggage to the side and shouted to the crowd, "Nobody saw anything. _Got it?_"

They all seemed to be in a trance, thanks to my beauty. Their thoughts were filled with surprised faces, being grateful that I had acknowledged their existence.

One grossly obese man, however, disagreed. "The gay bar's that way!" he shouted, gesturing in the opposite direction.

If a vampire could cry, I would be drowning in my own tears. My face twisted in agony. "I have a wife you dick!" I quickly turned in the direction of my gate and elegantly made my escape, flailing my hands in the air and attempting not to step on my petticoats.

"Flight 2098 for New York is now boarding." I heard over the intercome.

"Thank God," I sobbed. I could already feel my mascara running down my cheeks, even though no tears escaped my eyes. I quickly shoved my ticket at the attendant at the front desk. As soon as I was checked in, I tore it back out of her terrified hands and ran to the plane entrance.

I was so ready to leave this mediocre city. My escape was waiting.

So what did you like/dislike? What wasn't funny and what was... Please review and comment! Even constructive criticism is appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3:An Orange Surprise

**Hey everyone! Sorry it took so long to update...i got distracted with another story i am working on, which will be posted on FF. Anyway, hope you enjoy yet another installment in poor Eddie's life. As always, reviews are much appreiciated. The more reviews, the faster i update...mwhahahahahah:)**

**Chapter 3: A Big Surprise**

_I'm gonna party like a rock star, hit a bunch of strip bars__  
wake up naked in a hotel room  
Throw my TV out the window, smoke a bunch of indo  
Anything to get my mind off of you.  
Find a telephone pole to wrap around my car,  
and party like a rock star._

_-JTX, Party Like a Rockstar_

The rest of the flight was uneventful. A terrorist had attempted to hijack to plane, though. "Death to the infidels!" he had screamed, jumping out of his seat. But I was in no mood to deal with petty human problems. I had rolled my eyes and stood up with a sigh, walking straight over to where the guy stood.

"I don't know what your problem is, but I don't appreciate you interrupting my precious and mature thoughts."

He pulled an AK-47 from his shirt and pointed it at my head. How in the hell had he gotten through security?

Two words: Backward Washington. Sometimes I swore that the entire state was filled with idiots. They didn't deserve my extraordinarily astonishing presence.

I rolled my eyes again and flicked my index finger against his forehead. With that single gesture, he flew back against the wall. His body slamming in the thin wall reverberated throughout the plane's cabin. Blood gushed from his forehead at the point where my finger had flicked him.

I spun around and noticed all the passengers were staring at me. Even the middle class travelers had gathered to see about the commotion.

"He's dead!" some woman screamed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I knew why they were all really looking at me. "Please, people," I said, raising my hands, almost in a defensive gesture. "I know that I'm gorgeous and that you all can't tear your eyes from my sexy bod, but let's all be mature. I'm a married man. Plus, it's rude to stare. Even at someone as devilishly handsome as I. Beautiful people have feelings, too."

Much to my delight, no one's thoughts objected to my being a sexy beast.

"This man is a hero," a flight attendant said. "He saved us all from a hijacking!"

"Please, no more attention is necessary. I already get enough of that from my looks." I stuck my lips out in a pretty pout. "It really is a burden."

With that, I sat back down in my seat and prepared for the remainder of an uneventful and boring flight.

The plane pulled into JFK airport in three hours time. The captain had asked me if they could do anything for me for 'saving the day' (but personally, I thought he was hitting on me). I told him to stop flying the plane like an ancient, old lady and to grow a pair. I added that I was in a bit of a hurry and would love to be in New York ASAP.

So, in only three hours, I had made it across the country. He could have flown a little faster, but whatever. I was here. And with the time difference, it was only about eleven o'clock. There was still plenty of time to party. I walked out the airport with a grin on my face. It was my night to shine.

The road in front of me was lit with bright neon signs, advertising the many bars and clubs along as far as my eyes could see.

But about a mile down the road, I saw a huge building painted an ostentatious color of green. Flashing lights flew around it, making it stand out against the other buildings.

That's the one, I thought. Prepare for a dose of super sexiness.

I tore down the street, much too fast for human eyes to see me pass, stopping in front of the green building. _Rave_, the sign read, flashing in neon letters.

Mustering up all the courage I had, I stomped past all the lesser people waiting in line to enter the club. Standing next to a velvet rope that acted as a barrier between the club and the outside was a bouncer who stood a good head above me. And not to be rude, but he should really consider Weight Watchers.

Deep, pounding music spilled from the club's doorway onto the sidewalk. I had to almost scream to be heard above it.

"Excuse me!" I said waving my hands in front of the bouncer's face.

His beady eyes turned on me. "What the hell do you want, fool?"

I grin in a way that I hoped would grant me access to Rave. "I would like to enter this fine establishment, good sir."

His face twisted in abhorrence. "Man, get yo ass to the back of the line."

I stomped my foot on the ground, so hard that it left a huge crack in the concrete sidewalk. "Listen here, I didn't fly all the way across this hellhole otherwise known as the US to be not allowed to enter this club." I had my finger in his face now as I yelled at him.

"Look, why don't you take your cry baby self down to Chucky Cheese's, they let morons like you in all the time." He rolled his eyes and motioned for the next person in line to come up with two of his chubby fingers. "Next."

"For your information, they only allow the most elegant and intelligent people in there. I would know. And their cuisine is to die for. . ." I said, getting a bit off topic. Even as a vampire, I would swallow down some Chucky Cheese pizza any day. "Anyway, I don't see why I can't get in?"

He laughed. "One, I don't like you. Two, if I need to, I can kick yo ass. Three, you look way too young to get in here."

I crossed my arms and sighed. I tapped my foot on the ground as I reached into my back pocket to pull out my Hello Kitty wallet. The bouncer gave me a funny look, but of course he was just jealous.

I pulled out my Forks High School ID and handed it to him.

He burst out laughing and tossed my card on the ground. "It says you're only 17."

"Yeah, so?"

"You need to be 18 to get in here, and 21 to buy a drink, dumbass."

I picked up my ID and shoved it into my pocket. "I didn't want to have to do this, but. . ." I struck a gorgeous pose, with one hand on my hip and the other in the air.

The bouncer just glared at me. _He can't be serious right now,_ his thoughts were saying. _Or is it a she?_

My five-star smile quickly turned to a frown. "I am a _man_, ok? A guy!"

"Gay bar's that way!" someone shouted from the long line of people waiting to get in.

"God damn it!" I screamed. "That's the second time today." I ran away, humiliated. I hoped to save some of my dignity by running in an attractive manner, and I figured that my feet hitting my butt as I ran and my hands flailing wildly above my head would be a good way to come across as a cool guy.

I ran into the alley beside the club and blubbered tearlessly into my coat sleeve.

Suddenly, a group of people burst from the side door, laughing bombastically.

"Oh my God, that is so funny, Pauly,"one of the girls said. They all had black hair and were abnormally orange. They looked eerily familiar.

The shortest girl stopped laughing and looked over at me. "Guys, look."

Great. Now more people would see me like this. Just what I wanted. "Pay no attention to the sexy man in the alley."

She snorted and walked over anyway. "Cheer up, you're in New York, baby." The smell of alcohol rolled out of her mouth in waves. Ick.

I opened my eyes to met her gaze, and I gasped.

Before me, in a too-tight mini dress and five inch heels, was Snooki.

So...thoughts, comments, advice...all is excepted! plz review!


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